Finding Peace Within Myself in 2018

It's a warm January day. When I say warm, I mean 30 degrees. Yes, in Minnesota that is a warm day considering the last several weeks have been below zero. We've entered the winter doldrums - that especially painfully dark time of year right after the holidays where everything is grey and lifeless and just plain cold. The excitement of the day was seeing the squirrels run around the trees with such vigor. It many ways it was a calm, peaceful day but in such a blase way that I know in years to come I will forget this "blah" day that didn't even register on the charts of anything to remember.

But what will I remember? The restless feeling I and others felt. The listless, motionless silence and the quietness. I need to understand what this restless feeling is and explore it more. The fact of the matter is that I'm not peaceful. Despite so many things seemingly on the outside that are so wonderful in my life, the one thing that isn't and seemingly never will be is - "me." What will it take to quiet my mind and ease the racing thoughts? I know I need to find a purpose, a purpose I've been searching for.

I feel time is catupulting by and I'm missing my moment. A year and a half has past since my world was turned upside down and I still feel at square one. I need to find a way to break free of my own doldrums that have held me so tightly. I need to learn to relax and enjoy life. Maybe by writing these things down, I will finally find my way there, slowly by surely. Maybe I will. Maybe finding peace is still part of my plan. Just when I think I've discovered it, I fall back into old habits and old ways that tie me down.

In 2018 I want to explore my thoughts and feelings in a more in depth, comprehensive way so I can finally get over myself....and find something bigger than me. I've been grappling with having a child as being that "next step that is bigger than me" but I still cannot conclusively say that is how I want to spend my time...just yet. I need to be at peace with myself first.