When You Least Expect It

It's been a while since I've posted anything. The problem is I struggled to feel "Peacefully Purple." I didn't believe in my own words and I couldn't find my voice. I felt stuck, alone and directionless. It is difficult to write anything without a muse or motivation and I simply felt empty, almost lifeless as if I could not figure out my own purpose. It seemed everything I tried so hard to achieve, I failed at. Reading my last post, I did honestly feel like I was hiding, carefully living out a shell of an existence underneath a wall of covers.

Yet now there seems to be a ray of light peeking through and it is shining at the exact moment I least expected it. In an effort to find a creative outlet to fuel my entrepreneurial spirit, I delved into a new volunteer opportunity this summer, not thinking of much more than just giving of my time. It's funny how when you open yourself up, when you risk vulnerability, remaining humble, and just focus on freely giving of yourself completely, not expecting anything in return, how amazing things can happen.

What happened is this organization loved all the work I did so much, that they did not want me to volunteer anymore, but instead they want to pay me as a part-time consultant. It astonished me completely as these types of things just do not happen to little old me, not until now at least. I guess I just didn't really believe they could.

Yet I think that was part of the problem -- I didn't believe or have faith that I would ever get out of the traffic jam of mistakes and rejection to find a meaningful purpose that effectively utilized my talents. Perhaps I was to just continue muddling through the rubble, weaving in out and slamming on my brakes. However, now I realize I have to continue to believe I can find my way. I have to believe that finding peace within myself and who I am is possible. And frankly, I simply need to stop trying so darn hard. I put so much effort into everything I do, I overachieve and overachieve some more, but at times that overshadows who I really am. It corrodes my soul and instead portrays an inauthentic, needy version of myself. Yet all I really need is to just be ME and put my heart into what I do, forgetting the rest and all these silly, self-imposed, unrealistic expectations, and my true authentic self will shine through. I have to be at PEACE with me and only then will my true talents be visible to others.

Trying to box myself into a role and fit a mold that was written for somebody else will only lead to more internal turmoil. Being "Peacefully Purple" never meant more to me than it does now.